Sometimes we don’t feel quite as strong as at other times, I’ve learnt it’s ok not to be ok and it’s healthy to stop in the hectic ness of everyday routine and take stock of your emotions, make time for yourself your feelings, worries and anxieties and set realistic goals so you can feel you’re making progress and healing. So often we make feel an obligation to be strong, to be brave, put on a front and mask the pain and uncertainty we may feel when we wake each morning and have to face a day. Each of us go through a drastic change in our life at some point some more frequently than others. No one person or families ordeal is the same and we shouldn’t feel that we should put ourselves in their shoes they wouldn’t want you to go through the pain with you because they feel guilty enough without making it consume another’s emotions and life. Just one event or change in circumstance can change your life for life, whatever change in life we are going through we are dealing with at our own speed in our own way and the journey we make in dealing with these experiences and the involuntary impact they have on us.
If anyone sees any similarities in coping mechanisms after loss as me they may be feeling a combination of guilt, regret and remorse… guilt for still living and giving life and happiness a go, regret for not being able to go back and make changes, say the words of love and compassion you failed to say, or unsay the harsh words or enter in to the final argument or disagreement you had Resentment and regret for what was said or unsaid in those final occasions together are only natural… these feelings will cause anger and fear for the future state of yours and your family’s existence. However from my own experience you will find that a natural progression through loss is a gradual realisation that through a narrow gloomy tunnel of sorrow a beacon of hope will emerge and in time overcome the darkness. My loved ones would want me to live, love and laugh again. I hope in time that all those who are reading this take some reassurance from my words and find comfort in their memories and loved ones.
When you get to a stage in the here and now when you can look at your life and all your achievements even at the most testing of times and be thankful for everything that you have that’s when you know you are content with life as it is in the here and now. Being able to be satisfied for all that you achieve in your day knowing that you give the best of all your time and energy. After all life is a gift that’s why it is called the present, that isn’t to say You don’t want to achieve more it’s saying that You value the person You are at this moment in time, that in spite of anything you feel you don’t have you are appreciative of everything you do have.
You have set out goals for today and the weeks to come. Your strengths are set to make you the best you can be. By all means be a little hard on yourself but for the purpose of becoming a stronger more defined you who only wants to turn negatives in to positives and weaknesses in to strengths, flaws one might call them as an opportunity to better yourself and for making you see where You can become a better version of the yourself that is when you know that you are content with where you are in your life, all that you have in your life and and love everyone who makes your life all that it is!
That may be former friends who have taught you lessons and family and friends who teach you the true meaning of loyalty, love, respect and care for each other everyday.
I am finally in that place after 12 years of adult, working life and fully see now the value of every single moment I am alive and breathing. I will have down times when I want to give up and burst in to tears but at those moments I will do my best, pinch myself a little harder and give myself that bigger nudge to be the best Leanne I can be.
It’s been a fair few weeks since I last blogged and in that time I’ve been processing a combination of feelings… from moments of absoloute joy to times when I’ve felt low, sad and wallowing in self-doubt. I know full well though my life is full of blessings and I’m surrounded by so many people who love and care for me. However feelings of self-doubt, inadequecy and uncertainty about whether I am capable of achieving my aspirations have led to days when it takes twice as long to motivate myself and show appreciation. This doesn’t fill me with pride because I have been through tougher times. But we all have to work through our feelings in the hope that us dealing with them head on helps us to make steps forward to become happier and more appreciative of what we have and our resilience to deal with everything life throws at us. However I’m coming out the other side after a good three weeks or so weeks of positive outcomes has led me to lots of positive thinking and changed my whole mind set.
I’m my most content and secure when I’m surrounded by those who know me and my potential, those who regardless of the mistakes I make know how hard I try. For me this isn’t self-pitying behaviour. I work through these feelings in the hope the result is that I approach my days more positively and resourcefully. I’m finally getting back on an even footing and I have so much to reflect on and be thankful for. I’m blessed and I want everyone who matters to me to know how much I value them.
It’s time to stop being afraid of what could go wrong and and start being excited for what could go right. Life is all about grabbing chances!
There’s a saying, when life gives you lemons make lemonade, I say when life and all of its blessings gives you the opportunity to wake up in the morning be it at 5.30am (and during valuable leave from work) be thankful. If my life’s events of the last few years have taught me anything it is definately the importance of seizing every moment and making memories.
Whether your just taking time off to be at home or you’re able to have escaped somewhere new for a week like myself and my husband. Embrace that chance to make the best of the day.
Today for instance I found myself wide awake, showered, dressed and ready for the day by 6am (my husband still fast asleep, having a well deserved lie in) So instead of just lounging around (which would have been completely acceptable while on annual leave) I left our friends holiday home in Rhosneigr, N. Wales (we are lucky enough to be staying here for the week as a wedding gift) and walked the very short path down to the sea. I stood there looking out and as I did I reflected on just how blessed I am to be able to see Gods creation in all it’s glory. The sun shining the waves slowly lapping up on the sand. It was beautiful. I stood still in tranquil calm. For once I didn’t feel the weight of concerns at home, any burdens weighing me down. It was as though I had left them down the train track in Crewe. If only for just a week I had the chance to take a break from routine, every day tasks and feel a realease. I knew it would only be a temporary respite from the norm but I was grateful for that. I was able to seize the moment and be grateful for time and opportunity to recuperate and bring together my thoughts somewhere different.
I want to wake each morning like today with that gratitude for the day, for life and for all that I am part of. Gods creation, my family and my friendships. I look forward to every moment and if I have 2 aspirations in life I hope that one is that my being makes just a small difference to this world and the second that I am able to show gratitude for all that I have and have to come. My family, my friends, my faith in God and my work.
We all have a purpose and God has a plan for each of us, it’s noticing during the paths we follow and the discoveries we make just what that plan is. Everyday day won’t be as exciting as the next it may be mundane and more challenging than we expect but I’ve learnt that God only deals out what he knows we can deal with and that includes the faith he has in us to take risks and feel pain. Anyone who loves there family and friends would walk over hot coals for them or take a bullet for them. We only hope we never have to but we would want to feel that if we did God would be walking across those coals or would be there in the cross fire with us and that we would make it through.
So don’t be afraid to sieze the day, be thankful for everyday life, be it the mundane because it’s another day we’re alive and rejoice in the excitement of adventure. Everyday is another chance to be part of Gods wonderful creation alongside those we are gifted to have beside us.
Since the day I was born I have never gone without all that I need. I believe I was loved and wanted before I was even conceived… because my parents wished for children from the day they decided that wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. They would and do see me as a blessing to them but I feel blessed to be able to call them my parents.
This isn’t to imply it’s all been plain sailing. Through all the challenges and sadly heartbreak parenthood can bring they have given me all the blessings they possibly could. I believe their love for each other, their selflessness, their wonderful personalities and values in life are shaping me in to the person I am today and will continue to become! This isn’t to say that I won’t or haven’t made mistakes ( I can vouch that I have made them in bucketfuls and will continue to trip up and make poor decisions) but I have always been taught to persevere (ever since the struggles I faced as a child learning to ride my bike or to colour within the lines at primary school) My parents have always encouraged me to try my best, turning up at every parents evening and reading every school report with me and reassuring me that all I can do is my best and to have more faith in my own abilities…
This has never come naturally to me though and like many of us self doubt and fear comes over me like a tsunami at times but I have learnt to stop and reflect along my life’s journey how much I am growing as a person each day. I’m less fearful of taking chances, of being me and letting others see me the real me. I am learning that my family and friends love me for who I am. I am becoming stronger and more able to make more better decisions than poorer ones. I want to help others more and think less about how something would benefit me because this world isn’t just about what I can get out of it.
We have all seen on the news this last week how kind selfless gestures can make a world of difference and when people who have little are the ones saving people it should make us all reflect on how we can use our kind, loving, human nature to make this world a better place in times of fear and uncertainty. So wake up every morning with the intention of making a difference, making a change and showing thanks for all you have because life is one huge blessing from God. Whether you have a faith or not be faithful and thankful to yourself and those you love. However long we have on this earth with our ones is a precious gift so give thanks for all you have and live life for today.
Just this weekend I had the opportunity to be part of a weekend where the Taize form of worship and prayer was brought to the city of Birmingham. The city and its own diverse culture, churches and chapels welcomed those from quite literally all corners of the globe, from Malaysia, Australia and China to the Netherlands, Germany and Hungary all for one purpose, to reflect together the role Christ plays in our lives and to discover hidden treasures… individuals who have so much to give of themselves for the good of others as well as learning respect for this world that God created for each of us.
I was able to take time out of my busy day to day life to stop and take time to be with others, to listen and to speak with individuals who I didn’t know and who didn’t know me. I didn’t feel any nerves or apprehension. Myself and another young women spoke quite frankly with one another at one point on quite a controversial subject but there was no fear. This was such a welcome contrast to ordinary life where you can face amniosity when speaking to someone you consider a friend.
In contrast to conversations we had we also had the opportunity to be silent. I found I took more time during those few days to be quiet to not want to hear my own voice to not need to put the television on or buy something from a shop that I didn’t need. Within a busy city hundreds of young people all had one focus in mind, to find the hidden treasures that hide within our neighbours and the everyday places that we pass. No one would ever think of a busy city like Birmingham as a place for reflection and peace but even within the busy shopping quarter I sat amongst many others and thought and reflected on what I had seen and was part of in this world! We all visited various places of worship where there were variations in worship and the titles people had but whereas in our jobs these things matter to us these differences didn’t cause intimidation or a feeling that one was more superior to another. Everyone accepted one another at no one point over the weekend did I hear any harsh words muttered inside or outside a church or place of worship! This may not have been because everyone was in a good place in their life because we know this is unlikely to be the case in this world where we have daily struggles and in some cases face feeling at the brink of survival. We see such images of hostility and terror that it’s enough to make anyone question if there is a God.
I really hope that what I have taken away from this weekend and what I have learnt stays with me and I carry out Gods plan for me in my day to day life. I also hope I come to another event such as this and make fresh connections with such wonderful people as those I have had the joy of meeting this weekend.